Fellas :)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Selamat Hari Bapa.

The caption is FUN ! yeah hell yeahh is fun , SELAMAT HARI BAPA SEDUNIA guys! yeah, korang mesti happy kan celebrate with your father but its not me . i told you i couple of my post that my life is full of sadness . humm . but im happy for you guys that have own father who cares and loves you guys . not like mine . hummm  acctually i tak tau pun bila hari bapa, but i ada tengok iklan segala yang hari bapa is coming . and for god sake i never celebrate it with my own father . why ? This entry korang akan ingat i anak yang derhaka , dan bukan korang akan ingat memang korang fikir i anak derhaka pada ayah . actually i tak nak di cop or dilabel as this type . but who care .mulut orang memang tak akan pernah tutup kan . i never tell this in public but actually i need you guys opinion . what should i do ? for god sake i dah tak jumpa tak contact dengan ayah kandung i sendiri is like since 2007 which is now is 2011 so i guess its been 5years plus i think . i jenis yang lembut hati dan bukan jenis nak berkeras . bukan perangai i . tapi i pantang dicabar . atau apa yang korang cakap akan buat i terasa tercabar so that i will be like exactly what im just said . you guys wanna whole story ? btw, i tak kesah nak open cerita yang macam ini and i rasa mesti ada orang yang lebih kurang macam i . 
Okay , dah nama pun tak pernah berjumpa dekat 5tahun lebeh so thats means we are not in one roof ,my parents divorced . he get married ! cheat ! guys ? biasalah ! mana pernah cukup satu . hubungan i dengan ayah i memang tak pernah elok . kadang kadang i menangis bila i kenang ayah i . he just there . and how i wish i can hugs and give him a kiss ! but i know its hard . korang akan cakap senang je . forgive and forget . but this case more than that . i tak malu nak cakap ayah i tak bertanggungjawab utk i ! NO! he never !bayangkan lah nafkah yang die kena bagi dekat i pun terpaksa cause my mom gunakan lawyer . then baru lah everymonth i dapat duit until i 21 . everymonth . but my mom dah batalkan semua tuh since i was like 18 . so im stop get money from him by the lawyer . bayangkan lah ? lawyer kena cut from his salary then gave it to me by check . mana tanggungjawab dia ? my dad seorang yang cakap je besar . huraa sana sini  . but ada dia buat ? my mom cakap perangai sebiji macam dia . kadang kadang i marah . kadang kadang i setuju jugak . yelah . anak dan bapak , kan ? and korang tau tak tanggungjawab dia seolah olah dah abis bila dia lepaskan i tinggal dengan mak i . eyh hello i was like 8month , and dia dah tak pedulikan i ? what hurt the most than that ? its not i need his money or what . no, what i need is he be around me . is that hard ? i need him to bring me to playground ! i need him to bring me to MCD . i need him to bring me to the beach . i need him to sent me for first day im going to school ! i want him when i come home! i need him to make me sleep . i need him to hugs me and tell me " daddy will be back soon . im going to work " but there is nothing ! nothing that i feel this ! my childhood time im living in one roof with my grandma grandpa uncle auntie and they got their children . and apa yang anak anak dia buat bila mak ayah balik kerja ? they going o hugs them . sometimes i pelok uncle i bila dia balik kerja . cause i miss the hugs of my father . i need him . does he around me ? no ! he is not ! he is not there when i need him . he is not there when i want him . what should more i call him ? dad ? is that what daddy do? doesnt care at all to her kids ? is that what daddy do?  this is why DIVORCE its not good in ISLAM ! cause dia kaitkan anak anak and people around them .and orang yang macam ni selfish . atleast be patient and wait until we grow up . and here is , my twin sister so lucky cause my mom love them my dad love them and my parents do care about them . yeah, my mom does fucking care about me , but i lost the other hand which is my dad. and bila i seorang mula menjauhkan diri dari ayah . orang nanti cakap kita jahat . sedangkan bukan hanya anak anak yang ada dosa pada ibu bapa malah ibu bapa sendiri ada dosa pada anak anak . which is ada certain part lah yang ibu bapa berdosa . so guess what ? even we are flesh blood but hell yeah i dont feel like we are connected . I know you guys must saying that “ itu dah takdirkan ? kita tak ley salahkan takdir ?? but guys kita boley cuba ubah takdir kita kan ? and why not ? and why not my dad tak nak bercerai . this is sucks ! I hate it  . okaylah malas nak cerita yang lebih lanjut just straight to the point we are started not contact each other .
Its happen when my dad say that my mom tak tau jaga I . and I sebagai anak I ada hak nak cakap my mom dah cukup jaga I . compare to him . And dia ungkit which is its really me . bab mengungkit nie memang habit yang tak akan ubah kot.haha . dia kata dia bagi duit selama nie semua tuh apa . dia marah cause I cakap kat dia yang dia tak bertanggungjawab then I cakap kat dia , kalau tak berlawyer dia nak bagi ke nafkah untuk I ? which is dia terdiam and past the phone to my stepmother . and make me more pissed of ! I HATE MY STEPMOM fucking much ! and you know seluruh keturunan step mom semua nya standard bitch! Trust me , I know them well! Bila perempuan ini masuk campur like hell I cant control my anger I kuarkan je apa yang I mampu . haha. mati dialah I was so pissed off with her , ada hati nak masuk campur then I cakap kat dia , “ you tak ada hak nak masuk campur hal I , ini hal ayah dan anak and you tak ada kena mengena dengan I !” then dia kata dia isteri ayah I so dia berhak amik tau dan ada hak nak cakap apa dia nak cakap , then I cakap at dia yang so whatever is ini hal I dengan bapak I sendiri  . “ YOU MEMANG TAK ADA HAK NAK MENYIBUK” I still remember when dia letak fone then I call her back tak puas hati lagi . so then masih lagi bergaduh . and I cakap kat dia like hell I takkan jumpa dia lagi and I tak hengen jumpa dia . and I suruh pesan at my dad ,kalau dia still ada you means I takkan pegi jumpa dia . ! so start ini keslah kami tak pernah berjumpa dan tak pernah bercakap like 5years plus . and adalah cubaan I nak berbaik and I nak ubah semua nya 2tahun lepas , but then ada lagi satu berita I dengar , my stepmom cakap at my mom , dia kata ayah I tak nak I duduk dengan dia  . which I menangis gila masa ni ! ayah I sendiri yang cakap macam tuh bayangkan lah ? tapi tak tau sama ada mydad or my step mom saja nak panas kan hati I dan mak I . niat I nak berbaik nak balik raya nak cium tangan my dad semua terbantut . for god sake masa nie I was like I HATE THEM ALL FUCKIN MUCH ! I hate them until I don’t even want to see them like forever sampai I menangis I cakap I tak nak berwalikan ayah I ! yeah this is fucking truth ! but then perasaan tuh bukan nye kekal darah daging pulak ..
Kadang kadang I sorang I nangis, I rindukan kasih seorang ayah . I nak ayah I . sumpah I rindu ! I teringin nak balik nak jumpa dia, nak spent time dengan dia , for god sake ! but there its ada benda yang stopping me L hummmm . my mom marah bila I nangis kerana abah . but then dia kata dia tak boley halang I . sebab dia kata I anak dia . hummm macam baru baru nie dia kata dia nak bawak I jumpa ayah I . L memang lah I terasa nak . tapi tak tau kenapa I . tak boley . as I know I sayangkan ayah I even I tau I takkan pernah boley tunjuk perasaan nie, apa yang akan berlaku next terpulang lah janji now . let all the thing clear first . Jthen insyallah one day ill be okay with him . but not now . I cant even say . Just HAPPY FATHER DAY DAD !
Thanksguys :)

2 comments:

  1. i dh bc dr smlm...
    ap yg u lalui sma mcm i lalui :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. humm . same thing kan ? aeyy !

    ReplyDelete